Sad times

 

You know, there comes a point in most of our lives when we face something so huge, we just don’t know how to cope, or even be able to understand it. The sad thing is that it’s usually a negative thing. For me, that happened twice within a month. What I’m talking about is the end of a life.

My Granddad became very ill over the summer, well he had been ill for a long while but the summer was the beginning of the end. He just had his 80th birthday and overall he had a long and healthy life. I visited him twice during his last week. We all knew the end was close and the nurses were making him “comfortable” which is obvious code for the end is near. He was deteriorating fast and I was just hoping that he didn’t suffer much. On a Friday at the end of August, he passed away and I was there to see his last breath. Like I said it was expected but seeing an 80 year life come to an end right in front of your eyes is a big thing to take in and accept.

The next few days passed by in a blur and some nightmares followed but they faded. The funeral came and went without incident. I had to mention without incident as 2 sides of the family don’t get on at all but they did for this occasion, or at least they avoided confrontation which was the right and respectful thing to do. Still I was left with an empty feeling, kind of odd. It wasn’t sadness, it was more of a feeling of how fragile life is and sadly, as if I needed it, I got a huge reminder of that within two weeks. 

During 2013 I got back in contact with a good friend of mine, a good friend from the good old days. The good old days for me were after I left school and spent some time in college and working my first job. It was at this job where I made some good long lasting friendships. We may not speak regularly but all it takes is a phone call or a text message and any of us would meet up asap. Within this group of 5, I speak to 2 of them on a weekly basis, the others a bit more spread out but we speak when we can. The point is around about 15 years has passed and the friendship are still out there if needed.

Any way back to this one particular friend. We spoke regularly on Facebook or on the phone but hadn’t seen each other for a few years in person then in June she called me. She was going through a bad time for a number of reasons so we decided to meet and go out for lunch. From that day on, we spoke almost daily and hung out a few more times. We had a nice conversation the day before my Granddads funeral and she was doing her best to cheer me up but just having someone to talk to was the best thing. She was having some health problems (as she’s had for a few years) and needed a routine hospital appointment due to an infection so I knew we wouldn’t be able to be in contact for a few days, plus I wasn’t exactly great company at this time.

A few days pass and I’m coming around, clearing my head and trying to get on with life, trying to bring it back to normality. I don’t go online much these days but one particular day after work I decided too. I made a coffee and sat down. I did the usual email check, football news check then went on to Facebook as my emails said I had some request or something. The news that greeted me just about knocked me flat. My friend had died. She died in her sleep. 

It just doesn’t make sense. My mind can’t accept this, it doesn’t feel like reality. Just a few weeks ago we were sat on her sofa, drinking coffee and watching crappy TV. All was good. Everyone is in shock and there isn’t any full explanation yet. How can a person in her early 30’s just die? All we know is she went to bed early because she felt warn out and tired and that was it.

I’m going to write a proper entry about this when it sinks in because as of now it’s just information that I can’t take seriously. I know it’s real, I know she’s gone but for what ever reason I just don’t allow it to be real. I spoke to 2 other’s from that group from the good old days and they feel the same as me, there just isn’t an answer. It just feels like a huge void of nothing, nothing matters, nothing seems important any more. Life just stops. People you know for countless years, just gone like that. So many questions but no answers.

She was a great person and a great friend. I’m thankful for the 14 years I knew her. The same with my Granddad, he may have been “old school” in some ways but gave me many happy memories growing up. R.I.P. 

 

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Social networking moan

Whilst I’m in this miserable moaning mood, lets have a Facebook moan. On that site you get to see totally different sides of people you know. It leads me to thinking, which is the real person? I know people have many different characteristics but some vary so much that you’d think they are different people! The funny thing is, almost every person I speak to in the real world seem to dislike that site but practically all of them are on there! I find myself getting rather annoyed by that site so I think it’ll be a good idea if I deleted myself from it. 

It’s like I just said in my previous post, why do things if they have a negative effect on you? Why waste time reading pointless things by people that just contradict themselves? People who in person say how they dislike someone or something bad about someone then commenting nice things on that exact persons page! I know they are just being false. Also, it seem’s that site is being used as a popularity contest. People just building up huge a friends list or saying something bland or mundane just to get thumbs up.   

I’ve avoided it for 2 days now. Instead I’ve been planning cycle routes and things to do when the summer gets here. With all this technology we have, sometimes I feel the old days were better. Not knowing what someone is doing on the other side of the world is a good thing. People used to write letters or have long phone calls to catch up and share news, now all you have to do is click a few pages and you know all about someone and probably you’ll find out to much!

 

 

  

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Waiting for the turning point?

I could have titled this ‘waiting for something new’ or ‘waiting for inspiration’. All three will do. Ever get to a point where everything in your life has little or no impact any more? Your hobbies and interests have totally waned? It’s getting harder and harder to get out of bed and go to work in the morning? Well that’s where I am now. Literally all the things in my life have gone flat. I’ve tried a few new things but nothing sticks. Last week I bought myself a mountain bike. I used to ride everywhere when I was younger and enjoyed the freedom of being out on my own and seeing interesting places. So what happens? I take it out the day after I buy it and have a good time, then the rain comes! Every day since it’s rained. Working outside means I get a good soaking so I don’t really feel like coming home from work and getting dry then going out in the rain again. So that means I’m stuck inside. The online world and the land of gaming just doesn’t work for me right now but why? Where is the inspiration? I turn on the laptop or ps3 and nothing! My other interest is astronomy but again that is very weather orientated. 

I don’t like this fed up feeling. It’s more of a useless feeling. Stuck in a rut feeling. Work-eat-sleep routine. I’m hoping the turning point is on the way. Hopefully the sun will shine soon and the great outdoors will come calling. I’ve arranged a few bike rides with people so there is a list of things to do but it’s a case of getting them started I guess.

The advice I give myself is to try something new. That is why I got the bike. If the things you do bring you down then don’t do them, simple! I do wish I had more in me to make these blogs a regular thing though. I enjoy getting things off my chest and getting them out there, even if only a small number of people read them, it’s all good to me. 

I just read a piece about losing motivation and finding that “get up and go”. Changing scenery does wonders apparently so let me try that. I will report more regularly on my bike travels for sure. I will take my camera and see where the path leads. There’s a big wide world out there so there must be plenty to see and experience so I need to do that! 

 

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Another one gone, so now what?

Well there we go, another Christmas has come and gone. I hope everyone had a great one! Mine was pretty typical. Nothing out of the ordinary which was nice. Spending time with the family and taking time out to relax is what I got from it. I’m not a great one for mingling with family members, or rather extended family members but at this time of year I make the best effort I can and it went smoothly. I made small talk and took a polite interest in peoples stories and over exaggerated tales of success/failures/funnies from the past year. I’m not a miserable person or self centred as this may make me sound. I just know that I’ll hardly see these people until we meet again at the next big family party or some other occasion like that. Maybe I should make more of an effort to connect with people? But then why? I believe we should live our lives the best way we feel we can. Some people like to have a big group of friends and be the centre of attention and have everyone be made aware of what they are doing in life. Me, I just prefer to keep myself to myself. I have interests and hobbies for sure but I prefer to either share them with people who have a similar interest or simply keep them to myself. I’m happy to be that way. I’m more of a background person. If life was a big movie, I’d happily be an extra sitting on a bus or walking down the street rather than the main cast.

So now what? A lot of people will have different feelings now its all over. Some will be sad, others relieved and some excited about the new year. We’ll all go back to work or back to the daily routine. We have a few more days left of 2012 and I’ll fill most of them with work. Not very exciting! I’ll go back to work tomorrow and share a few stories from the holidays (even if it was only 3 days long for most at my work!). It won’t take long to get back into the routine of life again and soon Christmas will feel like a lifetime ago. I’m thinking about making a new years resolution but I’m not sure what? There are things I want to do but I see them as more of long term goals. For now I just want to live everyday the best I can. I guess I still have a few days to find a good resolution, if I can’t think of a good one, well never mind! I think it’s a good thing that I don’t have any major worries or things I want to drastically improve about myself. I know my place in the world. I’m an average everyday person. I have an average job, could be better, could be worse! I’m in decent shape (mentally and health wise) I’d say, again could be better but could be a lot worse for sure. For now, I’m satisfied.

I think this will be my last post of the year so if it is, happy new year people! Have a great one!

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Remember that windy day back in November?

Well to answer the question in the title, I do. That windy day still has a few more hours to run as I write this but it’ll soon be over. Why is today worth remembering? Did anything happen out of the ordinary? No it didn’t. Everything that happened today was very ordinary. In fact, it was so ordinary, it was nice. 

Today was a day off work for me. Like any day off, plans are made and we spend all the free time in our heads even before we even do anything. I had a few small jobs to do and I did them. Then I made a coffee and looked out the window. The weather forecast was right. Strong winds with heavy showers. In between the showers, the sun came out, if only for a brief amount of time. It’s amazing how fast the time passes when you just watch the world go by. So many different coloured autumn leaves blowing around setting an almost perfect autumn scene. I watched a few people walk by struggling to hold umbrellas and some other people walking their dogs. From one of my upstairs windows I have a great view of 3 different streets and an entrance to a park area. It’s a great vantage point to be nosy! Actually I’m not a nosy person. I don’t really have an interest in what my neighbours are up to but I do like to let my mind wonder and ask myself “how did these people get to this point in life?” “What choices did they make?” These thoughts peaked when I watched an older lady, maybe in her 60’s, carrying 2 shopping bags back to her home. She passed a much younger guy, maybe in his late 20’s who was delivering menu’s from a local take away restaurant. For these two people, this day will probably pass without much thought or care but they both have life stories. I find that fascinating for some reason.

It was nice to have a day off and even though some would class these weather conditions as horrible, they fitted the scene perfectly.  The next time you have a day off with some spare time, just look outside and let the mind wonder.

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Heading for the open door

As I mentioned in my previous entry, there has been this girl (we’ll call her N) who has been giving out some very mixed signals to me recently. I am at a stage in my life where I’m not looking to meet people or commit to any type of relationship. I’m also well past my teenage years so I thought all this nonsense involving meeting or chasing girls was a thing of the distant past. Right now I’m focussing on me and where I want to go in my life. Then there is this girl. She’s actually been mentioned (as N) in one of my very early entries on wordpress, maybe 3 or so years ago.

The basics are, she was a girlfriend of an old friend of mine. I think they first got together in or around 2002. They had a decent relationship for about 2 or 3 years then broke up as he cheated on her. About a year later they worked things out and got back together. I think they then stayed together for a while before they split again. During this split, she made contact with me on Facebook. It was just a friend request at first. I thought it was kind of strange because, even though we knew each other for a number of years, we’ve never been anything close to friends. If we seen each other we’d say “Hi” and be polite but that was it. At this point I knew they split up so I offered my sympathies and we began messaging each other. I thought I was just a good route for her to get out all her anger and problems about the relationship. Then as time went on, we began talking about other things and life in general. Eventually, maybe after about 2 months, she suggested we hung out. I was up for that and when she offered to host a movie night, I was quite looking forward to it. I wasn’t sure of her intentions, I didn’t think she’d like me in any other way than a friend but the conversation did get flirty at times. Then, after we arranged a time, she cancelled due to illness, fair enough I thought, these things happen. We soon arranged another date but again she cancelled. This time she didn’t really give a reason and became distant. Time went on and she pretty much ignored me and things fizzled out. After about 3 or 4 weeks, I messaged her to ask if everything was ok. She said things were fine but didn’t feel comfortable meeting with me and that was that. She removed me from her friend list and life went on. I put it down to me and her ex being friends that made her feel uncomfortable even though I spoke to him before and he was fine with us meeting up as he was in a new relationship.

That was roughly 3 years ago and until September of this year, we haven’t spoken a word or seen each other at all. She and my friend got back together again and moved in together. I stayed in contact with my friend and he often told me they were having problems. I stayed out of it and over time, my friend and I kind of drifted apart. We still spoke but now months were passing by instead of days or weeks without conversation. It was mainly down to us working opposite shifts so we couldn’t find time to meet up like the old days.

That brings us to September. On a Sunday morning I turn on my laptop. I check my emails and there is a notice from Facebook. I rarely use that site these days so I usually ignore these notices but this one was a friend request so I thought I’d have a look. I wasn’t expecting anyone interesting but it was her (N). I accepted and her latest update on her profile was that she was single again. I texted my friend and he confirmed they split up a few weeks before. I left it at that but a few days passed and my curiosity got the better of me, why did she add me as a friend? I sent her a message to say sorry to hear about the split and asked if she was ok. She replied with a long message, mainly having a moan about him but also showing a lot of interest in what I was doing these days. I must admit I enjoyed the days before where we’d have long message talks or text talks. I told her things were pretty much the same with me and asked her a few things about what she was up to. She said she felt a bit lonely living on her own and although she has some good friends, they don’t live close by. I took it as she was looking for a friend so I offered to be an ear if she ever needed to talk about stuff. Then she began ignoring me again. I made sure I was careful how I worded things as I didn’t want to make her feel upset or uncomfortable in anyway. A month or so passed and she only replied once to me which was a basic, almost empty reply so I gave up again. The feelings of disappointment returned like last time and some feelings of annoyance also.

As I write this, I’ve not heard a thing from her and I’ve been as nice as I could. I just don’t get it. Why did she add me as a friend when 3 years ago she made it clear she didn’t want to have anything to do with me. I would have just carried on my life and forget the whole episode. Why did she stir up those old feelings? Did or does she like me in any way? Why can’t she be more open and less rude! If I made contact with someone, then I wouldn’t ignore them. There must be a reason for making contact so why do it then shut the door in my face again?

As I said early, I’m not looking for a girlfriend or anything like that. I’m making my own plans but if someone comes to me for what ever reason, I’ll do my best to help. I would have been up for meeting with her and hanging out with her and maybe seeing if anything develops over time, even if it is just a new friendship. I just don’t like the mystery and the rudeness surrounding it. If any girls out there wants to share the girl code and reveal the secrets of her motives, please help me!

Categories: Confusion, Journal, Mixed signals, Relationship | Tags: , , , , | 1 Comment

Just another one of those days

So at about 11am on a random November day as I walked down the road, I stopped. I just stopped, sat down and watched the world go by. It was one of those days where you can feel the temperature is beginning to drop but there is a pleasant feel about it. A slight breeze slowly sending the many shades of grey clouds over head towards the hills in the distance. Everything was so quiet here, hardly a person in sight or a car driving by. Everyone must have either been at work, school or somewhere else doing their own thing. It felt like I was the only person in the world. When moments like this happen, it’s a great way to clear the mind and move on from those bad things or life distractions we all go through. In recent weeks, well since late September to be precise, I’ve been going through many emotions trying to figure out this one person’s motives. I will write about her when it’s all settled down. It’s over now, I just needed a moment like this to put things into perspective and focus on moving on.

The stress, well I think stress is the right word, or maybe the negative thoughts and atmosphere she created wasn’t pleasant. The whole thing was confusing and to this very day, I don’t know if she was being evil, stupid or simply being herself. Whatever the reason, I now have that closure and can move on. Fittingly the sun began to break through the clouds as the day went on and my mind began to focus on the future. It was like the end of a movie. Not a sad or happy movie, just a movie about a small part of an average persons life, in an average every day quiet town, dealing with life in his own way.

Imagine the movie ending, the credits begin to roll and we see a guy walking away from the camera down a quiet road. Cars spaced out parked up and some trees with brown and orange leaves falling and blowing around. The camera slowing zooms out and the guy keeps walking. We see the clouds and a small break in them with some sun rays poking through. He’s walking away from a chapter in his life and walking towards something new. That’s how I felt today.

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The Woods

It was a nice sunny Sunday so my friend and I decided to visit Leigh Woods in Bristol. We walked for about 3 or 4 hours and got very warn out but it was a nice, relaxing way to spend an afternoon. We walked through the woods and along the river. Here are some pics.

This was taken right in the middle of the woods where there was an opening where the sun shone on a little picnic area.

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This is a very old path way through the woods, dating back to the middle ages so an information board told us!

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Squirrels

Yes that is correct, squirrels! I’m not losing my mind or anything so fear not! In fact, I’ve never seen things so clearly. That in part was due to a little furry visitor to my garden. I watched him go about his business, stealing the food I left for the birds. It was all very peaceful and simple. That’s how life should be. It should be easy and peaceful. There isn’t any need for stress and disappointment. This little guy just went about his day, doing right by himself. He doesn’t have to answer to people or set his day to other squirrels schedule. It’s time to live the squirrel way!

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Here he is being nosy! 

 

I lost focus of what I want from life. I focused all my time on others and what others thought of me. Why? I don’t have an answer for that. Why do we need to go through life wanting approval or admiration from other people? Why can’t we just let it be and live to be the best we can and accept it? I don’t like being relied on by people, in a way I’ve even began to hate it. It hit home after 1 old friend came to me with a mountain of problems and another one completely ignored me. Actually I wouldn’t class her as a friend really, just someone I’ve known for about 10 years. I just realised I don’t have the time and effort for this any more. When I was 18 I had a life plan. I’m 30 now and that has almost disappeared although it’s not to late to rediscover those goals and dreams. 

I’ll use this blog more now. I’ve got a new camera so I can add pictures and keep a good track of my progress. I’ve also gone back to my online diary which helped me get my focus back. That has been ongoing for close to 6 years now and reading back was very interesting, also somewhat emotional.

 

 

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Returning home

As quickly as it arrived, it was over. My holiday has been and gone. It was great fun though, just to get away from it all. It was only a 5 day break but coming home is the worst part. I don’t like that feeling of ‘the end’, it sucks. I guess it’s because for the time being, there isn’t anything to look forward too. The summer is coming to an end and I will go back to work next week. Next month the kids go back to school and life returns to normal.

The highlights for me were the simple things. Walking along the beach, watching the tide come in, watching the other people enjoying the beach and all the kids having the time of their lives. I went around the little seaside town and went in the little souvenir shops. Cornwall has such a laid back and easy going feel about it with amazing beaches and coastal walks and lots of wildlife and nature. Leaving all that behind to return to a busy city is quite depressing but being able to experience a small, yet exciting place like that makes me feel happy that it will always be there and I will return one day. 

Some random photo’s, first a beach scene.

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Another picture from the beach, it was amazing to see the tide come in and cover all the rocks, within a few hours, where I sat was underwater.

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A couple enjoying the view of a river and a small Cornish town in the sunshine.

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Happy memories and good times indeed. It was only a short break to a small place that the majority of the world wouldn’t even know existed but for me, it was perfect.

Until next time, look back and smile 🙂

 

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through the darkness there is light

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